Hope and Heartache

I am not interested in slamming my husband and all the pain and horror he has caused over the last 12 years. We all meet people in this journey of life who hurt us, steal from us, take advantage of us, and worse. But this is our life, and slamming the other person usually accomplishes nothing, and it doesn’t change them or us. When presented with bad situations, I think the best thing to do is to take a look at ourselves and figure out how we got into that situation, try to figure out what the situation can tell us about ourselves, and then learn from what we discover to make our lives - and our situation - better. After all, we alone dictate who we will be and how we will live our lives. We are the only ones who can make our lives meaningful and joyous (as much as possible).

One of my biggest pet peeves is the subject of personal responsibility. From the very beginning, I worked hard to teach my three children to learn about personal responsibility. Of course, as children, there are many things that are out of their control, but I have always stressed to them that they have choices, and every choice has a consequence. If one child grabbed a toy out of the other child’s hand and a fight began, I would take them both aside, sit them down, and we’d talk about what each child did, how each child reacted, and what they, personally, did to participate and fuel the disagreement. We also talked about how they could have acted differently and what the outcomes would have been if they had made different choices. We’ve done this exercise millions of times, because I wanted them to learn to automatically think about what they did, how they reacted to a situation, and to be able to recognize their own personal responsibility in any given situation.

I’ve never believed in excuses, and people who continually have nothing but excuses for the way their lives are or the situations they are in make me sick. Now obviously, nothing is completely within our control. But somewhere, in each situation, we have some amount of personal responsibility. And what happens to us isn’t nearly as important as how we react to it. Do we reflect on the situation and learn from it? It doesn’t matter how stupid we were or how horrible the event that happened to us, if we can honestly reflect and learn from it, then we are taking responsibility for it. What angers me are people who spend their lives complaining about situations or people, but doing nothing to either learn from it or change it. Instead, they have excuses, and I can’t stand excuses. Finding a reason for why something happened is fine - but perpetually sitting around saying, “It wasn’t my fault. I can’t change it because I don’t have any money / friends / willpower / etc.” just makes me want to puke.

I’ve always believed in the adage “Where there’s a will, there’s a way”. I still believe that, even though I have, as yet, been unsuccessful in bringing my children home. But I’m still breathing, and I’m still trying. As long as I’m still breathing, I still have hope. I don’t just have blind hope, either, but hope combined with action. I’m honestly doing everything I can think of to fix this horrible situation. It isn’t over yet.

When I was 18, I really, really wanted a college education. Since the age of 17 when I walked out of my abusive childhood house, I was homeless and broke. But I really wanted a college degree. So, I enrolled in the local college and got federal grants to pay the tuition. I had no place to stay and no transportation, but no one was going to stop me from getting that degree. I had a little money left over from the federal grant - but not much - so I found a studio apartment that I could afford in some guy’s garage. The apartment, however, was 10 miles from the college. But since that’s what I could afford, I took it. My first class at school started at 8 am, so every morning, I got up and started walking the 10 miles at 5 am so that I could get there by 8 am. I had one pair of canvas tennis shoes, and in the winter (in OH), my feet were soaked and frozen by the time I got to school. I started wrapping my feet in those plastic grocery bags, then putting my shoes on. It didn’t help the cold, but it stopped them from getting soaked. It was difficult, and many more difficult things popped up over the next few years, but I graduated and got my degree in zoology/pre-medicine. I’m just saying that I don’t believe in excuses, and if you want something bad enough, you will find a way to make it happen - regardless.

I just wanted to point out my own personal philosophy and to clarify that I choose not to spend my time focusing on the man who has caused so much pain and suffering in the lives of me and my children. He refuses to learn from any of his experiences, and he refuses to look at himself or to take personal responsibility for anything in his life. He doesn’t matter, however. This is my life, and the the only thing that matters to me are my three children.

Having said that, I’d like to share an article I like from heartlessbitchesinternational.com . I’m posting it in a new post.